For a while now I’ve been wanting to scale back my working week and reassess my work / life balance, in order to pursue further education and get actually PROPERLY qualified, as well as generally having more time to achieve some goals, build my brand/ business and concentrate on the awesome…the bigger picture stuff.
A program of voluntary departures were announced last month at work, and a light exploded. I felt like I’d woken from a long coma. When I searched the sky for the truth every whisper on every breeze said to DO IT! The time was right, I struck while the proverbial iron was scorching and threw all caution to the wind.
I’d been craving the chance to force myself outside of my box of comfort for a long time. Everyone needs to feel liberated with choices and options. Being able to take a couple of months ‘off’ from work in order to explore and build my business would have been a dream come true and I couldn’t think of any other way forward. I need to really spend some quality time honing all my ideas and developing them to a much fuller extent than what I currently can, and this was THE opportunity to do that.
The premise for all this wishing for a quick, sleek vehicle to whisk me away to a state of change is simple. I’ve been fooling myself for so long that things at work will improve. The last six months has pretty much been defined by soggy promises which will never be fulfilled, in the form of a couple of opportunities that have been dangled in front of my face like a flaccid carrot since June. I’ve been hanging by a very thin thread, in a state of flux; waiting for something to happen. Rut city.
After months of anguish and an aching back from all the LIMBO, I’ve begun to realise that these opportunities seemingly aren’t meant to be. They had gone awry for some predetermined reason, surely, and greater things were coming for me. Like brightly lit beacons, they screamed to me that I didn’t belong here.
What I was chasing- greater security, greater responsibility, career development, better money – I didn’t actually NEED. What I DID need, and still do, was bigger picture stuff- to be free, challenged, untethered. To put myself in a position where I’m forced to make things happen with no safety net and no excuses. A redundancy was to be my one chance to rip off the bandaid and explore opportunities for a couple of months, unfettered.
So the last month or so has been filled with a strong longing that the stars would align just as they are supposed to…the universe would hear the song that my heart has been humming and I would be granted the chance to giantly leap outside of my comfort zone.
Well….it wasn’t meant to be this time. I got the ‘official’ letter advising I was unsuccessful. . . . .dang! Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, I really wanted this to happen; and I let the notion roll around in my mind languidly, relishing the idea a little too much.
Luckily, some internal mental safety mechanism went off and quickly balanced these thoughts with a hefty dose of logic. I realised it just couldn’t really happen. I would have to be served a very generous portion of o’fortuna. I hadn’t been in my position anywhere near long enough, the program was oversubscribed, and there were obviously a long line of staff in front of me who had been waiting for this day – for a LOT longer than I had.
Whilst I tried to remain as positive and optimistic as possible, I was cautious not to let my expectations climb so loftily damned high so as to leave me shattered by a decision in the negative.
I remain hopeful that I know what I need to do and I know what it will take to get me there. I just now have to do it in a different way. And I will.
While I may not be able to return to study full time I will be exploring other options that will allow me to get to where I want to go in a roundabout kind of way. One door closes, another opens, sorta thing. It wasn’t meant to be as easy as I had dreamed, nothing ever is.
This is just a minor setback, and I will get over it, with a vengeance. I’m slowly getting more and more opportunities in my personal and creative life to be involved in many exciting things, so that keeps me going strong. And I know things are going to get even more exciting, even if I do have to juggle things around a full time work schedule.
The see-saw of life WILL swing upward again; those two old primordial opposing and complementary forces of yin and yang are ever-alternating, producing the various cycles of rise and fall of fortune and of freedom of expression and activities.
Let’s hope for an up-swing soon that can last long enough to launch me off into the cosmos where I can fly free!
Love, chaos and universal momentum