So, these past couple o’ days have been a little time of reflection…(cue moody and provocative soundtrack here).
This week seems to be signifying the start of a stronger, more purposeful dimension in ideology and living for me. This past weekend a few emotional events happened which, once worn, experienced, and thoroughly wrung out, have created a sense of closure to me somehow.
There were some people, situations, feelings and memories from the past which kept haunting me, and I finally made a conscious choice to let go.
It’s an interesting, liberating feeling, and one that I certainly hope I can maintain and hold on to.
I’m now focussed on looking to the future and putting a multitude of energy into everything forward-looking in order to fuel the fires for tomorrow – whilst still taking time to step back and smell the goddamn roses!
No more gazing into the past, looking for answers, the wondering, the what ifs?
The past, as I have often over- analysed to death and let consume me on many occasions before, is just that. A beautiful, sometimes sorrowful, well-known landscape through a glass wall; a moving blurred canvas in the distance; a patchwork of fragmented memories that somehow mesh to form a collective identity.
I have sort of crept along to this realisation over a space of time now, but I guess the events of last weekend honed and solidified the process and sparked a synthesis of ideas which led to this place of closure and resolve: I must move on.
From people who hold me back; from scenarios which went awry; from past question with no answers, from my own inner mind and its tangle of sometimes tortured thoughts.
Feeding these ghosts of the past with my thoughts only serves to keep them alive inside me. If I starve them of life and oxygen they can no longer walk my walls; they will have to wither away and fade into oblivion eventually.
I know that in order to reach that space where I am my higher self and giving life my very best- and to reach the personal goals I wish to achieve- I cannot be held back by guilt, by feelings of regret, or any of these negative emotions.
It sounds so simple once I put it into some sort of context, and really, it is. Where one door closes, another one opens. Such is life and life goes on. This conscious decision to eliminate cloying, manifested thoughts and emotions, has set me on a more focussed path.
It’s now about opening one’s heart to those people in the present who make a genuine impact, and are so worth it – the threads of great friendships past, present and future. I’m amputating the supply to those ghosts, unfulfilled wishes, psychic vampires, what-have-you, that try their darndest to plague and dominate my psyche.
Everyday, I’m feeling more and more a changeling on the brink of purpose and self-discovery. Learning about what really drives me internally, rather than being driven by a need to impress others, or a need to uphold some pseudo synthetic reality or thread of expectation. Once stripped back and pared down to its essence, my life force isn’t about that any more; its not driven or satisfied by the same motivators.
Its more about tuning in to the primal ticking in one’s heart, the rhythm that sends waves of blood, sticky with purity and purpose, surging through one’s veins.
Onward and upward!
- I love you enough to say no (3precocious3lotus3.wordpress.com)